I want to be someone else.

 

This is Beth Phoenix. I want to look like her. She isn't the skinniest girl in the world, but I think she is absolutely sexy and gorgeous. My goal is to get to her size and have her confidence. 

My weight loss is at a stop. I reached my summer goal of 250, but lately I've been binging. School is about to start and I'm stressed about moving and being away from my boyfriend and family. I'm hoping during my time away, my weight loss will continue and when I come home from breaks everyone will notice my progress ^^ There will be lots of walking and I didn't get a meal plan so no food to temp me. 

I'm going to have plenty of time to reflect on myself and better myself. Its going to be a long lonely road ahead of me for a while. Hopefully I can pull through, finish school, and reach my goals.

Best wishes and thinness,

xo Veetah xo

Boyfriend Home

My boyfriend is home... At first, I was estatic.. I could not have been happier.. He was home, I loved him, he loved me.. we made love and everything was fantastic. Then two things happened. First, I never really thought I could hate anyone more than I hate myself, but now is not the case. My guy and I went through a rough patch a month or so ago and he was "fooling around" with another girl. It was mostly innocent, but it made him doubt his feelings for me, and this girl has a rep for being a total whore. She is a lot skinnier than I am, and that killed my self-esteem. Well past being past... she still fucking calls him and texts him, and he still wants to be "friends" with her. I have adamantly expressed how much I hated this other girl, but he swears they are just friends. She is fucking 17 and he is 27. And she has fucked every guy I've ever met, and probably every guy you have ever met to. She makes me sick, literally. Every time I see her name, her face, or hear her voice or see her number, my body shakes with anger, and my stomach turns and I want to throw up.

Well, she texted and called him tonight. Apparently she left some things in his mother's car while she got a ride home from summer school (what a fucking dumb bitch) and wanted him to bring them to her. FUCK THAT. The bitch is lucky I am a decent human being and won't break her shit and throw it away. Anyways.. I took my boyfriend's phone and told the bitch to stop calling and texting him, and I told him not to fucking text her back anymore, but she continued to do so, and he continued to reply -.- Then she calls him, and I told her that it was too bad she left her shit and we couldn't bring it to her. My boyfriend just says he can't be "an asshole" to her because he is a nice guy. Since when is he not an asshole?! He is always an ass to people, but apparently for some reason he can't be to this whore.

Already in a somewhat pissy mood, I try to get him to leave his phone in the room so that we can go watch TV on the sofa without him fucking with his phone so I give him a push out the door and he pushes back. We got into a little tackle fight. He only weighs like 150, and he tried to pick me up and had to use all of his strength to do so, and makes the comment, "damn you are a big bitch". WHAT THE FUCK?! And earlier he talked about how he wished I could have been at the beach with him, and I told him next year I would be able to go and I would be sexier and skinnier for the beach and he kinda made a "yeah right" noise he has and says pretty much that next year I'm still going to be the same fat old me that I am today and that he doesn't think I can lose the weight.

So yes, now my whole day and night were ruined. I'm really tired of this shit. I binged and purge an entire plate of chinese chicken and fried rice. I really want to shoot myself in the face.

2 More days!

 

So proud of myself today! I ate 300 calories worth of fruit today but worked most of it off with some dancing and yoga :D I did a weigh in today and I'm down another 5 pounds :D 5 more pounds to go to reach my first goal weight! I'm so ecstatic!!!! It is still a long journey but surely, pound by pound I will reach my goals.

4 days to look better -.-

Today my boyfriend left with his family to go on a Florida beach vacation. I call him my boyfriend but he is more like my life partner and damn near husband. We have been together for 6 years, and have lived together for 5 years. We moved in with his mother because she is getting old and ill and he has to take care of her. He has congential heart disease and a few other health issues that allow us not to get married until I have a good stable job with amazing health insurance. He is on his mother's plan still because they provide top notch care for him and if we marry, he will lose that and be stuck with my current crappy insurance plan. Love story aside.

I have work all week and his family just took a big vacation from New Orleans, LA (where we live) to the lovely beaches of Florida. He is a skinny and good looking guy. Only god knows why he chose a fat bitch like me over any of the hotter skinnier girls out there, but I guess love is blind, but lust isn't. I know he lusts after skinner girls and deep down inside he wishes I was skinny. I'm working on it. I couldn't go with them this year for two reasons. The first reason is because I have work. I could have taken off, but it would take up my vacation time and I am also getting ready to move out and go back to college in the next two weeks, so time is valuable at the moment. But the biggest reason is, it is the beach and I am a fucking whale. Who wants to be a well over 200 pound girl in a one piece bathing suit, covered so that no one can see how fat I am, surrounded by these 100 pound girls in bikinis that are oogling over my boyfriend?!

So he is gone from Sunday til Wednesday. That gives me four days on my own and four days to lose as much weight as I can. Yesterday I did good, I only ate a handful of cheerios and some miso soup, drank plenty of water, and did some yoga. He left this morning and I am all alone in my house. No food to temp me and no spare money to binge on food either. It's going to be a four day fast. But it is only day one and I although I do not fell hungry and I'm not craving anything yet, my stomach is empty and I can feel it rumbling. My brain is telling me to eat, but I really don't want to. Today is also my day off, so I am trying to focus as much as I can on other things and I have been living on PT for the past two days. I can be strong. I can have control. I won't let food come between me and the person I want to become. Please, help me be strong.

Severely Obese

Sad story aside, my depression and anxiety caused food to be a comfort to me. Whenever I was hurting, I would eat. Whenever I was happy, I would eat. I am an emotional eater and it has heavily taken it's toll on my body, my self-esteem, and my life. Try not to get too disgusted when you hear this, but at the end of 2010 and weighed the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I stopped weighing myself a long time ago, but I ended up getting sick and having to visit the doctor and when that scale said I  295 pounds, I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I keep thinking to myself, how did I let this happen? I tried to convince myself that being big was beautiful, but deep down inside I hated it. I hated how my boyfriend would talk about how sexy skinnier girls were and how he thinks I'm hot now, but I'd be even hotter if I didn't weigh so much. I know that sounds bad coming from him, but the truth is, he is right. He loves me for who I am, but I would be a lot better off without all the fat.

On New Year's Eve, I vowed to myself that I would never see that scale go over 300. I would do whatever it took, no matter how unhealthy or hurtful it was. I started to do a lot of google searching on how people found the inspiration to stick to their diets and such. I tried dieting, but that didn't work. Then I found my cure. I could eat emotionally, and then throw it all up and still lose weight! I wouldn't eat much, but when that time came and I found myself depressed, I would binge and I hated myself for it. I was cry and eat until I was sick. At first the throwing up wasn't intentional, it just happened from all the bad nerves and too much food. But then I started noticing the weight loss and I began to throw up more even when I drank too much water or had a cookie.

Bulimia took its toll on me though. I found myself with head aches a lot and my throat always hurt. So I decided to just cut out most foods altogether. I had been reading up on a lot of pro-ana sites, and I never realized how many people out there felt just like I did and were adopting an anorexic lifestyle. I started to collect my thinspiration and joined a few pro-ana sites. I'm still dealing with the cravings, but the hunger pains, and head aches no longer effect me as much.

It is now the end of July 2011. I have lost 47 pounds and I'm still no where near as thin as I would like to be. I still weigh over 200 pounds and every time I look at myself, I wish I was thinner and I hate myself for being so big and letting myself get so big. My goal by the end of the year is to get under 200 pounds. I would love it if I could be 140 pounds, but the thinner the better. I want my outside beauty to match what is on the inside, and I want my boyfriend to have a girlfriend that he can be proud of and show off when we go out. This is the first steps to a long journey. I hope that you can find it in your heart to look past my weight and support me in this fight against food. I'm looking to make new friends and to support others as well. If you want to contact me, just shut me an email, nymphaecerulea@gmail.com and I will gladly chat with you ^^


Peace, love, and thinness