Sad story aside, my depression and anxiety caused food to be a comfort to me. Whenever I was hurting, I would eat. Whenever I was happy, I would eat. I am an emotional eater and it has heavily taken it's toll on my body, my self-esteem, and my life. Try not to get too disgusted when you hear this, but at the end of 2010 and weighed the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I stopped weighing myself a long time ago, but I ended up getting sick and having to visit the doctor and when that scale said I 295 pounds, I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I keep thinking to myself, how did I let this happen? I tried to convince myself that being big was beautiful, but deep down inside I hated it. I hated how my boyfriend would talk about how sexy skinnier girls were and how he thinks I'm hot now, but I'd be even hotter if I didn't weigh so much. I know that sounds bad coming from him, but the truth is, he is right. He loves me for who I am, but I would be a lot better off without all the fat.
On New Year's Eve, I vowed to myself that I would never see that scale go over 300. I would do whatever it took, no matter how unhealthy or hurtful it was. I started to do a lot of google searching on how people found the inspiration to stick to their diets and such. I tried dieting, but that didn't work. Then I found my cure. I could eat emotionally, and then throw it all up and still lose weight! I wouldn't eat much, but when that time came and I found myself depressed, I would binge and I hated myself for it. I was cry and eat until I was sick. At first the throwing up wasn't intentional, it just happened from all the bad nerves and too much food. But then I started noticing the weight loss and I began to throw up more even when I drank too much water or had a cookie.
Bulimia took its toll on me though. I found myself with head aches a lot and my throat always hurt. So I decided to just cut out most foods altogether. I had been reading up on a lot of pro-ana sites, and I never realized how many people out there felt just like I did and were adopting an anorexic lifestyle. I started to collect my thinspiration and joined a few pro-ana sites. I'm still dealing with the cravings, but the hunger pains, and head aches no longer effect me as much.
It is now the end of July 2011. I have lost 47 pounds and I'm still no where near as thin as I would like to be. I still weigh over 200 pounds and every time I look at myself, I wish I was thinner and I hate myself for being so big and letting myself get so big. My goal by the end of the year is to get under 200 pounds. I would love it if I could be 140 pounds, but the thinner the better. I want my outside beauty to match what is on the inside, and I want my boyfriend to have a girlfriend that he can be proud of and show off when we go out. This is the first steps to a long journey. I hope that you can find it in your heart to look past my weight and support me in this fight against food. I'm looking to make new friends and to support others as well. If you want to contact me, just shut me an email, nymphaecerulea@gmail.com and I will gladly chat with you ^^
Peace, love, and thinness
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